Loneliness, and…Solitude

It is now 12:30 am, Sunday March 2nd. And here I sit cozily on my bed after wasting away a day that may be the last of my existence -like every other of course- pondering the value of people, their relation to me, whether I care for attachment to them and the need for it.

My parents have just left for Turkey (Masha’Allah!). So proud of them! With lives and a past that has consistently required their hard work they are finally traveling. This is their second trip as a couple together and it makes me happy to see them fulfilling yet another dream. Yet there is this loneliness that ensues and a cascade of emotions clicking from every cellular receptor to the next rendering me incapable of even looking at a textbook. Before I go into any reasoning behind the internal conflict there are a few things that would be great to understand:

Abby and Mamma have raised my brother and I to be very family oriented. So much that I’ve found that people just can’t comprehend the closeness. People don’t understand how it is possible to see extended family outside of reunions, picnics, or the usual holidays let alone every weekend. YES, EVERY WEEKEND. When I am home -not just because I am home after months- I see the extendeds every weekend. It is awesome. Love these people. Point reached? LOL NO.

My real point is that if I am so close with my extended imagine the attachment I have to my parents. These people are everything to me. To this day I still can’t comprehend how two people have chosen to put the needs of le brother and I before theirs. It astounds me with the selfishness people have held onto. It was just the way they were raised and now their progeny. Oh, and another thing, we were also raised to think that no one at one moment should expect to see the next day.

A man once asked a sickly woman, “How does it feel to know you are dying?”

She replies, “How does it feel to pretend you are not?”

So while others have not accepted the idea my family and I have. And with that the real story starts.

Before leaving to Turkey both my parents gave me the run down of what to do in an emergency situation. Mind you this is not a first considering this is their second time traveling. There is the talk of allocating funds, signing legal statements, recording emergency contacts, etc, and most definitely can’t forget what would be my guardianship over my brother. AND HOW I HATE THESE THINGS. I respect my parents too much to want to know about our finances or inheritance information. It makes me feel as if I’m one of those greedy children at one of those funerals where everyone is just ready to hear their share of the family fortune. SORRY  THAT JUST DOESN’T WORK FOR ME. Don’t like these talks. I understand that it may be necessary but I’d rather just see their smiling faces as they whisk away into yonder country over there. However, that isn’t possible with them already being 400 miles away. I swear college and school has this habit of preventing me from saying goodbye to many and to this day the loneliness it causes doesn’t sit well. So while I’ve accepted this idea of mortality/loss I sit here just wanting them. And in my wake of conflict I realized I don’t want to express these emotions directly to people other than my family…or maybe just my parents.

I’ve scrolled through the address book on my phone and I realized there is no one I want to lean on for help besides my parents. This is probably because:

a) I don’t completely trust some of these persons.

b) I feel like said persons don’t need to know too much about my life.

c) I’ve probably called him or her enough about all my other problems and I don’t want to hassle them anymore.

d) I have called he/she, but they never answer their phone.

or e) I know this person will be unsympathetic or is just inconsiderate in general.

And with that I’ve come to an even bigger realization. The only people that I can truly depend on are my parents. Hence, why I feel even lonelier with them gone. I don’t have any expectations of others anymore.


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